Thursday, January 14, 2016

twist of freedom

i just wanted to fly..i twisted the throttle and the engine roared pushing itself into limits it wanted to break, limits i wanted to break, to be freed of.

i could squeeze the brakes and feel safe again. i could control but then who wanted that?

and i closed my eyes in this  moment of fear and ecstasy. there was nothing purer than this. there was nothing more liberating than staring at an end as a new beginning.

'perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. that's perhaps my only sin.'.

elastic heart

in a cold winter night,  even after ages, we were both free yet bound to ourselves - a relationship as estranged as summer and winter. in a not so distant past, i had gotten away with murder.

we snuggled against each other. put our arms around each other. lying in quilt drawn up to our faces ..staring at the ceiling, making patterns in our heads, counting them and then sharing with each other in our heads again.

that night we pretended to be lovers..


'There is an awful warmth about my heart like a load of immortality..'

Monday, December 28, 2015

2045

“did you go to your hometown?”, the guy asked smiling.

“i couldn’t. was caught up with work”, he replied briefly.

the guy went about his work for he had several houses to go to make his delivery for the day.
that question lingered in his thoughts for days. which home was he talking about? he obviously had him confused for someone else. he didn’t have a home to go back to. he didn’t have a sense of home. no belonging, no place to go to. he was a stranger who was forced to confirm. he had familiar faces around him all the time – some accepted while some forced due to obligations. he had familial bonds to force feed, but he didn’t have a home.

days passed and yet that troublesome feeling didn’t subside. the man had poked a tender spot and now it just wouldn’t stop bothering. he felt haunted by voices that wouldn’t stop pelting at his wall of blind third eye. he wanted to go away to a place where familiarity and he were not together. he wanted his memories to be erased. whatever little estranged relationship he had with the world, he wanted it to disappear. he wanted to be bleached.

he stood outside the house at night probably for the last time. it was a cold bitch of a winter night - deserted streets, foggy lights and a cold air.

This is where it starts. this is where it will end.

Continued here

'perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. that's perhaps my only sin.'.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

people are awesome indeed



'perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. that's perhaps my only sin.'.

Thursday, October 01, 2015

stranger in moscow

stranger in moscow

i lay on my side on the park bench with my head on her lap. we looked perfectly contiguous in our black overcoats; perhaps from a distance, we'd have looked like a huge T on a metal bench. it was cold day with the sun overhead - enough to mark a day and enough to feel the lack of thereof. i closed my eyes and secretly thought of how people could simply be like that - lost in their body locks absolutely. rarely did someone cross us. rarely did i notice and rarely did i get conscious. it was a different place in a different time.

she was always pretty not because i thought or knew so. i was told that she was pretty. she was pretty. i never realised it when i was with her. i never realised i needed her around. i never wanted anyone around. i just wanted to be around and leave when i could. and i would.

i opened my eyes from time to time to see the infinite blank of the beauty - the park, the people, the trees, the snow, the sun - oh, the sun! the sun looking down at us with frosty glares. everything knew.

i snuggled a bit closer to her trying to feel the warmth, but she was as cold as everything. i tried taming my mind to distant thoughts of our past, our present and the future. i tried chasing my shadow of thoughts in the head. i tried a lot of things until i couldn't be like that. i tried sleeping. but i couldn't. i couldn't do any of it. there was no peace. there was no war. in a familiar place, in a pleasant time, i was running in the rain semi-clad in my head. i was diving in the sea of clouds drenching with every inch. i was the cloud, the drop, the air, the dive, the plunge. i was everything and yet i was so tiny.

i got off the bench. the cold showed no respite.

everything stared at me - the trees, the animals, the people, the air, the sun. oh! the sun was so magnificent, so bright yet so cold and yet i longed for the moon.

i was confused in my abstraction.

say goodbye with no sympathies




'perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. that's perhaps my only sin.'.

Monday, August 31, 2015

atari kousuke - koi - genji monogatari

Love
Vocals: Atari Kousuke
Lyrics: Kobayashi Natsumi

Composition: Hamamoto Hiroyuki

Semete ichido kurai
Furimuite hoshikatta
Semete kaze no you ni
Tada soba ni itakatta

Ichizu na omoi ni kagi o kake
Tojikometa kokoro wa
Ima mo mada amaku kaoru

Anata o   anata dake o
Itsu de mo mite imashita
Sakanai tsubomi no you ni
Mukuwarenai koi deshita

Hoka no hito no tame no
Egao da to kizuita hi
Tooku hibiku koe ga
Mune no oku o shimetsukeru

Akirameraretara raku ni naru
Yureugoku kokoro ni
Kurikaeshi iikikasete

Anata o   anata dake o
Omotte nakitsuzuketa
Tobenai kotori no you ni
Yukiba no nai koi deshita

Sakura maichiru sora wa tasogare
Setsunasa mo itami sae mo kakaeta mama

Anata o   anata dake o
Itsu de mo mite imashita
Sakanai tsubomi no you ni
Mukuwarenai   yukiba no nai koi deshita

------------x--------------x-----------

I wanted you to turn and face me
For once at least
I simply wanted to be by your side
Like the wind at least

The heart that shut away
And locked up single-minded feelings
Is still sweetly fragrant now

I was gazing at you
Only you, all the time
Like a flower bud that won’t bloom
It was an unrequited love

The day when I realized that your smile
Was for someone else
Your voice echoing from far away
Grips something deep in my chest

‘If you can give it up, you’ll be at ease’
I repeatedly told
My wavering heart

Thinking of you, only you
I kept crying out
Like a little bird that can’t fly
It was a love that had no place to be

The sky with fluttering sakura petals is in dusk
While I still held onto suffering, and even pain

I was gazing at you
Only you, all the time
Like a flower bud that won’t bloom

It was an unrequited love that had no place to be


'perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. that's perhaps my only sin.'.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

lost frequencies

i've been avoiding marriage unconsciously for more than a decade now. i can always say that i am ready for it and then back out at the last moment. was it cold feet disguised as some practical reason for rejection/abandonment? i am avoiding that reasoning too. i've been introduced to women, interviewed by their parents, put on display and asked to be what i am not. i've witnessed my share of toxicologists, criminologists, extreme sports enthusiasts, tall ones, short ones, domesticated stock, liberal herd, etc. etc. it is like an online shopping festival - the items that are high on discount are the ones you don't want. it is mutual.

a close acquaintance got cheated on by his partner. it was a love marriage. i took it calmly, performed my duty of staying with him the entire day, took him out, explored the city and bid him goodnight. i have been experiencing a strong headache and an uneasiness of unknown origin eversince. i think my shattered concept of marriage shall never repair. i stand alone and it is comfortable and stress-free.

i have been a little easy on myself for a few weeks now. if the world collapses, it is not my fault. if a,b,c,d, etc. leads to z, it was meant to happen may be. getting out has suddenly become a strong priority. sleeping well has become a priority too. i am constantly tired. space has and always will be a priority. you can never have too much of it.

there are some friends you make to get through the day. there are some you make for the night. they do the same. true friendship is difficult to find. what you had in your 20s might not last in your 30s. work hard on your health and body for that is the only thing that you still have a higher degree of control over. disciplining is synonymous with regimenting. it is tough,  but easy when you are into it.

you can live your life alone absolutely. people will always try to talk you out of it. you can live a happy life with someone too. it is all a probability. don't be scared to try either out.

i recently met a 20 year old something. she taught me something that i knew years ago but took a decade to realise. i asked her why she was in a relationship. she told me that everyone has needs and they are looking to fulfill that in some way - some look for physical needs while some look for emotional. the current generation isn't as slow as we think they are. and she was a babe.

i have learnt new things unwittingly. life teaches us a lot (cliched). we can absorb some of the teachings or ignore them depending on whether we choose to be wise or ignorant. there is nothing wrong in being ignorant. trust me. you can drift off if you want to without thinking of consequences. it is about what your priorities are. you can hate them or enjoy them or even do your own thing. the world wouldn't collapse without anyone of us. there's always someone better or worse than us.

relax. stop what you are doing. change it.

you can do a lot for your loved ones. no matter how much you do, you can and will always fall short of what all you could do. DO NOT END UP ENSLAVING yourself to running their lives. losing control is easy and fun but tough too. you can do that too if you want. it is important as well.

keep moving. it is uncomfortable and unrewarding at a lot of times but enriching.
youth has the advantage of time. don't waste time worrying, please. there isn't an eternal reward at the end of life.


'perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. that's perhaps my only sin.'.