Tuesday, September 17, 2019

fear innoculum


why is a word i have not paid heed to for a very very long time. the anti of why is such an integral part of my life that questioning it has been nothing, but a boring mellowed groan on a broken record. i've come dangerously close to the ingenuities of this inequity; in fact, so close that the lines are no longer a blur : i sway in and out in beautiful rhythm. i know the fate of things. i know them so well that it almost seems like a plan and soon everything starts falling into place.


i've been told that getting close to me is like playing with fire - an attraction that is strongly needed almost like a sin, but not wanted. i've been told that being doused in it is a need, even if for a while, to feel liberated from what's holding them and yet they wouldn't. and i've told them, ' pay no mind to the distant thunder, beauty will fill your head with wonder..'


if it were left to my devices, i'd have liberated everyone i've known, but how could i when i couldn't myself? i just slip in and out. every time i glid, i' was jolted back to the ground. how could i keep them, if i couldn't keep myself? so, i let them be..

because you can't put your arms around a memory, because it isn't the same when you try picking up from where you left, because they only start missing you when they fail to replace you...because we need to let go to feel the wonder, boy :)



'There is an awful warmth about my heart like a load of immortality..'

Monday, February 20, 2017

putting holes in happiness

i've always found it easier to deal with the pain of loss than the joy of gain. only in true moments of sadness have i felt genuinely; in joyous moments of ephemera, i've felt at a loss of any real emotion. any recollection of happiness has been both painful and surreal and that has only made me puke with anxiety in the wake of its fervent demise.

'There is an awful warmth about my heart like a load of immortality..'

Thursday, January 14, 2016

twist of freedom

i just wanted to fly..i twisted the throttle and the engine roared pushing itself into limits it wanted to break, limits i wanted to break, to be freed of.

i could squeeze the brakes and feel safe again. i could control but then who wanted that?

and i closed my eyes in this  moment of fear and ecstasy. there was nothing purer than this. there was nothing more liberating than staring at an end as a new beginning.

'perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. that's perhaps my only sin.'.

elastic heart

in a cold winter night,  even after ages, we were both free yet bound to ourselves - a relationship as estranged as summer and winter. in a not so distant past, i had gotten away with murder.

we snuggled against each other. lying in quilt drawn up to our faces, staring at the ceiling, making patterns, counting them and then sharing with each other in our heads.

that night we pretended to be lovers..


'There is an awful warmth about my heart like a load of immortality..'

Monday, December 28, 2015

2045

“did you go to your hometown?”, the guy asked smiling.

“i couldn’t. was caught up with work”, he replied briefly.

the guy went about his work for he had several houses to go to make his delivery for the day.
that question lingered in his thoughts for days. which home was he talking about? he obviously had him confused for someone else. he didn’t have a home to go back to. he didn’t have a sense of home. no belonging, no place to go to. he was a stranger who was forced to confirm. he had familiar faces around him all the time – some accepted while some forced due to obligations. he had familial bonds to force feed, but he didn’t have a home.

days passed and yet that troublesome feeling didn’t subside. the man had poked a tender spot and now it just wouldn’t stop bothering. he felt haunted by voices that wouldn’t stop pelting at his wall of blind third eye. he wanted to go away to a place where familiarity and he were not together. he wanted his memories to be erased. whatever little estranged relationship he had with the world, he wanted it to disappear. he wanted to be bleached.

he stood outside the house at night probably for the last time. it was a cold bitch of a winter night - deserted streets, foggy lights and a cold air.

This is where it starts. this is where it will end.

Continued here

'perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. that's perhaps my only sin.'.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

people are awesome indeed



'perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. that's perhaps my only sin.'.

Thursday, October 01, 2015

stranger in moscow

stranger in moscow

i lay on my side on the park bench with my head on her lap. we looked perfectly contiguous in our black overcoats; perhaps from a distance, we'd have looked like a huge T on a metal bench. it was cold day with the sun overhead - enough to mark a day and enough to feel the lack of thereof. i closed my eyes and secretly thought of how people could simply be like that - lost in their body locks absolutely. rarely did someone cross us. rarely did i notice and rarely did i get conscious. it was a different place in a different time.

she was always pretty not because i thought or knew so. i was told that she was pretty. she was pretty. i never realised it when i was with her. i never realised i needed her around. i never wanted anyone around. i just wanted to be around and leave when i could. and i would.

i opened my eyes from time to time to see the infinite blank of the beauty - the park, the people, the trees, the snow, the sun - oh, the sun! the sun looking down at us with frosty glares. everything knew.

i snuggled a bit closer to her trying to feel the warmth, but she was as cold as everything. i tried taming my mind to distant thoughts of our past, our present and the future. i tried chasing my shadow of thoughts in the head. i tried a lot of things until i couldn't be like that. i tried sleeping. but i couldn't. i couldn't do any of it. there was no peace. there was no war. in a familiar place, in a pleasant time, i was running in the rain semi-clad in my head. i was diving in the sea of clouds drenching with every inch. i was the cloud, the drop, the air, the dive, the plunge. i was everything and yet i was so tiny.

i got off the bench. the cold showed no respite.

everything stared at me - the trees, the animals, the people, the air, the sun. oh! the sun was so magnificent, so bright yet so cold and yet i longed for the moon.

i was confused in my abstraction.

say goodbye with no sympathies




'perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. that's perhaps my only sin.'.