Monday, June 08, 2009

chaos; head

I woke up in chaos, well almost everyday to say the least. On other days, I woke up with a disimpassioned ardour that was not very different from an affected disposition to everything; sometimes I thought they ran in parallels. I realised that over the last few days, the period which I could both actively and vaguely recall, I barely yawned when I got up, in fact I didn’t yawn at all. I woke up with a strange subconscious discord. Either I was angry or annoyed with myself or at the world for being unfair to me indirectly or I woke up with hate. This carried on till the time I took a bath.

I was becoming increasingly uninterested in the affairs of the mundane. Nothing meant a thing to me lately. This was probably the zenith of dissatisfactory phase of my life.

My ablution was a ceremony in itself. At first I would decide if it were to be a case of adrenaline rush or complacency. Lately, I had been deciding on the former in order to regain my lost stimulus and spontaneity towards life. Once I had dealt with that, I would take a call- whether I would taste the fear of the unknown or not. I had submerged my head in a bucket of water (while I pinched my nostrils to avoid the water getting in) on some occasions to feel something different. Needless to say that I felt so, however not what I thought it to be like. Firstly, there was a fear – not of drowning for I could always pull myself up but still one of a new kind to me. Secondly, it was a calm experience. Everything seemed to have faded away and the chaos in the head wasn’t noticeable anymore. I could hear nothing and when I closed my eyes as water rushed into my ears, I could see or feel nothing but emptiness and or nothingness if you may have called it. The world had faded away rather disappeared. Whatever existed if anything did that is, it was between the bucket and me.

The fear? It was the fear of letting go of the comfort I dwelt in. It was the comfort of living in comfort. It was discomforting…

I was 28, single, a cynic, and I wanted to die.

3 comments:

Surkhi said...

Wow,
Literature par excelance...
Else, your head, your feeling, some I can associate with, others make me want to shake you up and make you feel better. But then I realise the fact that you typed them out has already taken you to the first step in the healing stage...saying it out loud...
Peace my friend

blood on the ground.. said...

thank you so much. as i said earlier as well that i think my style has changed definitely. you just made it certain for me.i kinda like it as well.. as u said, "its definitely become less layman and more complex and literary", i was definitely striving for that.. i think time did it for me.. thank you so much nonetheless..
wretched peace
I

blood on the ground.. said...

it was a white translucent bucket.