Sunday, July 25, 2010

revisiting chaos

i had to do it. the bucket was full of water and i knew that it was the only way to deal with all the noise - submerge my head yet again.


if it were successful on previous occasion, albeit momentarily, it was bound to be again, relieving at least.

before i even did it, my head was swarming with the pleasant thoughts of how things become post that. thoughts came to head, thoughts formed patterns, patterns turned into visions, visions found words attached to them..before i could word them, i realised that i was already tripping on the other me. the ME who was compromising. the ME who had accepted the Noise and could not even rebel.

the depersonalisation was so intense, no, it was on the verge of tearing itself apart from its seams.every passing moment was in the anticipation of a defense from the ordeal. every alternate moment was the normalisation of emotions.

but i had to do it. the water was overflowing out of the bucket. it was like a cigarette i had to smoke even though the delay had made me forget about it completely. i had to do it..

i thought but i did not.

the bucket was blue and opaque..


the bloody bucket was blue..

4 comments:

blood on the ground.. said...

this is one post i didn't care enough to put effort into. this is one post i didn't want to think over. maybe because of the passage of time between the event and typing it down..maybe the depersonalisation is such a ****in' bitch to me!

blood on the ground.. said...

addendum-
i guess i have to explain the case of the blue bucket over here. as per the previous post, chaos;head, it was a white translucent bucket.

i didn't submerge my head because it was a blue bucket, blue and opaque.
doing that in an opaque bucket would make me unable to see anything on the outside through the bucket.
that is dark and scary because i have left a portion of me outside that i do not wish to abandon. the fear of letting go.
unknown fear of the known.

underground tunnel said...

i feel the stifled (underscore), whether consciously chosen or not, somehow suited this post better as a title. was unique in itself. just saying.

the wilderness in me.. said...

i don't disagree, but then this was a sequel. i could have added the current title to the _, but then it would have killed it.

had to choose between the two.