Saturday, November 13, 2010

which star would i be thinking of..tonight?

i don’t know much about it. i don’t intend to.

when you’re coughing out blood in your sputum, it isn’t something that you talk about; yes, you joke about it. you joke about it so that it doesn’t seep down and hurt your unsympathetic sensibilities.

at this moment, and other similar ones, i am left thinking of or wandering off to some thoughts of my own in some world of my own. everyone has a world like that where they act and watch like acts of a play neatly laid down in a book like the petals of a rose for each page or act or…just or..


so, at these moments only do i feel that i can write straight from the heart with no head applied. no, smartness, no technique. nothing interesting.

I don’t know if I am to feel sad for myself. i knew this was coming. i have known this for a very long time..the result of a purposeful self-erasure :)

i don't know what is going to happen and i think rather feel that i wouldn't care to find out as i said earlier too. how would it change anything. i am still smoking and going on and on..today, i felt like the man in my book who was to die from too much smoking..today, i felt like me..
i am writing this today for i want to deliver a message to you, though not directly. i don't wish to disturb your existence and i somehow would want to make myself believe that i am of no importance to you. i don't like it but i chose it. i am not glad but satisfied with the part i played.

so, which star would i be thinking of tonight?
just like the song, which star would i be thinking of tonight?

it is you. yes, you! you know it is you for there aren't really a lot of people who come here and read what i write or whatever i try to put down.
no, it can't be you! no, not you at all! you're from my past that i don't wish to bring back. you weren't of much use and you have helped me waste a lot. you wouldn't let go still, but the best thing that you can do is to leave and hide yourself in your world that i wish not to entertain myself with.
no, it isn't about you too, for you are drowning too much in your sorrows and there's no helping you. i can't do that and you don't want that. i love you. i like you. you're great when you don't have to return to your black hole every night.
no, it isn't you either. you're strange. you make me feel strange and act how i don't wish to. you make me feel painful about you.
and "you" were never as important as you were made out to be. you were just a number and so was i for you- first and last as you said.
it is for you! you who has that fire to change things, and if not that then at least burn them bright. it is you who wants to turn things around and makes me feel that the world can be changed. it is you who defies my beliefs vehemently. it is you who wants and yet doesn't love me. it is you who acknowledges me yet denies me altogether. you know it is you.

this song is for you and you. you'd know it when you hear it. it is yours..
____________________________________________________/


we have no form, therefore we fear it, and because we are formless, we revere it.thus, we are slain..

4 comments:

Roshni said...

Are you okay? =|

blood on the ground.. said...

dear stranger,
of course i am. i have always been and always will..be..ok.. :)
thank you for asking.

Noor Enayat said...

this is an interesting post... which one am i??? ;D

blood on the ground.. said...

none of them.
you're not a number.you're a member :)
and how do you exactly manage a wink with a laugh?
i can try imagining..haha+ wink= ;D?
hehe.
love u muchly.