Monday, December 24, 2012

thinner than air

What is love? Where does it start from? I remember someone telling me more than a decade ago that love is what a mother feels for her child. Is it? Why would someone label that as love? Before i even begin to doubt the veracity of that equation, my question over here is not what a mother feels for her child rather why that should be called love. Who coined this word? The more i age, the more i seem to decipher it in ways unfavourable to the true theory. I must profess before i begin to tear it into bits and tiny pieces that i do not know anything-neither about the theory and nor about the feeling. I don’t know what love is and to be true, i confess that neither do i have the intention to delve further into this. I have spent about a decade wondering what it is and that hasn't been very revealing i must say. Love must be a feeling that people experience and can’t find the right words to describe. I am certain that the entire gamut can be put into words by several well defined words that people refrain from and resort to a more ill defined and non-parametric term called love. There are a multitude of words that can be used to express what one feels during that phase of heightened emotions like paranoia, euphoria, low appetite, etc., to name a few. The entire mentally dyslexic generation does more than its share to inspire discontent amongst the ones that are not plagued by this phenomenon. People need something to harp on, something that leads them away from routine and hence they coin a word and spend generations in the search of the quintessential elements that represent it, and the more time they spend, the more distant it gets from logic and rationality. So, take a couple of not so frequent things, put them in a blender, add some random elements of dissatisfaction, blend it for a couple of generations and at the end of it you still get confusion. The more the blender runs, the more nonsensical it gets. I confess - I am a cynic, but more than that i am a lover and i am certain that i am not the first person in the world to fall in love with myself with certain discounting factors of course. How did i decide that it was to be called love? Well, i just thought that it is a nice thing. So, i decided to call everything nice with the same name called love. I learned it from people. My hair is nice. I love my hair. My mom’s nice and so is my dad and i love them both. The weather is lovely and i am in love with it. This works fine with inanimate things and phenomena, and certain people. So, how do i define when it comes to a person of romantic interest? This would spark off a debate that has baffled people for another set of centuries. The disputatious debate of classicism versus romanticism has been ever evasive. Of course it has been defined well, however if you have been reading carefully all that i wrote, there creeps in an element of relativity. The more the number of brains involved in this, the messier or bigger it gets to accommodate whatever it can. I have practically survived on this bullshit for almost two decades now. And i wonder further..what was first love? Was it what i felt in kindergarten for a girl who wasn't the most hygienic looking creature now that i recall, but neither was i and i am certain that’s how each one of us felt about each other at that time. We shit our pants dirty for our potty training failed when it came to several contingent factors. Years down the line, i felt that was sunk cost (that could no way be recovered). Training never worked without practice in place. Nevertheless, did love happen in sixth grade for a certain girl in my class when mass hysteria and mob theory guided actions and intentions more than genuine appeal of listening to your heart? Or was it in 7th, 8th, 9th,10th,11th grade or finally in 12th grade when i got asked out? Was it when i acted really cool in front of a girl the very same year and asked her out with supreme confidence? That one lasted 3 days. Or was it when i led my friend down the emotionally fueled lanes of confusion the very same year again? Maybe it was a year later when PS happened. It hurt a lot when it ended. It was devastating. It was rinse, repeat and rehash and i felt that a hole had been carved inside me..i felt empty. I couldn't understand things. It was the most intense phase of my life. Years after that, it happened again and again and then i had lost all the intensity and it was nothing more than a game of chase. Not only was i bored of the chasing but also of what ensued post that. I became more practical and now i can’t figure out a thing. So, was VV,YMR or PS love or SM or AA, SR, etc.? The answer is something i don’t have because in all those moments i was simply filling empty spaces in my life that were carved out by my desires to fit people into those holes with roles that were clearly defined by my own perception of how i wanted them to be with little scope for flexibility. The matrix was set. And that’s what love or anything we do or want to do in life is guided by. The need to be fooled by those words passed as soon as it became clear about what i wanted. Everyone had to play their parts and what made the entire dramaturgy exciting were the deviations from the script. The more the deviations, the more the feeling escalated and the deeper i got into what i can now understand to be called love by all. Love is not an equation representing the sum of respect, trust, longing, emotional dependency or sex. It’s the capacity to let oneself bullshit around with one’s own mind in the superlative. If there is no extremity in existence, there’s no fun and that’s where people wish to push the envelope and step out of mediocrity and go crazy.
So, go crazy.period. that’s love.

human kind can not gain anything without first giving something in return. in order to obtain, something of equal value must be lost. that is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange.

No comments:

putting holes in happiness

i've always found it easier to deal with the pain of loss than the joy of gain. only in true moments of sadness have i felt genuinely; ...